All you'll ever need to know

When you've done something - anything - wrong in Japan, here are four recommended steps to follow, no matter the slight or the degree of harm caused:

1: Angrily and indignantly deny any wrong doing or inappropriate behaviour... act with the most offended demeanor you can manage with a straight face.

 

2: As you wait for the inevitable, practice reluctant yet dignified remorse but stress that you were unaware that your questionable behaviour could be construed as such, and then - and this is crucial - stress that the whole affair is obviously the result of an erroneous misunderstanding on the part of others. Feel free to blame the Chinese and South Koreans, no matter how ridiculous it may sound, as the Japanese always look for someone else to be the scapegoat.

 

3: Don't forget to make an exaggerated show of clinging on to the last daisy petal as you edge ever closer to the abyss (brush up on the facial expressions and body language of Wile E. Coyote in the moments before his clever plans come to naught). Let flow forth a well-timed torrent of embittered, tortured tears and make an anguished plea for sympathy, as appropriate... Remember to strongly hint that you were not in your right mind but ONLY because of some slight committed against you (again, South Koreans and the Chinese are always good for a try).

 

4: Finally, forcefully fling yourself to the ground and prostrate yourself while releasing a deluge of wailing, tortured regret. Flop around on the ground to amplify the effect, by all means. If experienced in the art and if timed correctly, a few good whacks of your forehead against the pavement is an investment well worth the potential scar and will elicit the appropriate gasps of appreciation from those witnessing the spectacle.

In no time flat, the incident will have been forgotten, and you will be free to again violate the laws of decency and common sense, as well as to betray the public trust, at your leisure.

(not a new example, but a memorable one)